Tuesday, 23 January 2018

Just saying...

How many more months of winter?!
And I'm tired.
And grumpy.
And tired.
Mostly tired.

Crashing from creative momentum is a thing.

Friday, 19 January 2018

Friday Fragments: Offer of proof...

Its good to know things.
That's the reason I am signed up for a community health bulletin.
Its useful to know if there is a fire down the street or if there is an outbreak of measles before leaving the house.
 Really, I have no good reason why I am on this list, its just one of those things that happens.
The messages all in the name of health are about as helpful as, "wear sunscreen", and about as inane in tone.
I read them on my phone because that's my third hand. I see photos first, then the text.
This latest message was, "Eating together as a family is important---".

 I won't read the linked scientific article because I feel I can make that mental leap all on my own.

I can even believe that maybe somewhere, there is a kitchen that looks all glossy and clean in the morning, where everyone has a full glass of orange juice in front of their place mat with well balanced perfectly plated plates.
My kitchen looks like a yogurt filled grenade exploded every morning, I have serious kitchen envy here.
The next line naturally is, "No matter what your family looks like."

And this is where they lost me. 
I would be way more inclined to believe that matters to them, if it wasn't a picture of shiny blond blue eyed able bodied white people sitting around that kitchen table, in that perfect kitchen.

 But if I wake up one morning and think one of my family members is ugly, I know now to eat with them no matter what, because its crucial to overall health and well being.


*Snorts and drinks coffee in yogurt avocado dishes from yesterdays covered kitchen*.

And this friends, is why I contemplate another blog.

Wednesday, 17 January 2018

Boundaries and Limits

I'm learning there is a definite difference between boundaries and limits.
Previously, I didn't have any boundaries, His limits were my limits--the limit part is more than likely still true. To really test that, we would need a lot more time than the current season gives us but how I feel about it hasn't changed...or its changed back from me wanting zero kink/touch, etc.
But the limits were boundless.

Boundaries are a new area.
I'm learning for my sanity and health, I need boundaries and how to put those in place before it gets to the point of me completely having a meltdown. You know, progress.

Thinking about this more, I realized that's partly why I am so perplexed about that slave I know who voted the way they did because her Dom told her to.
  I never really thought about that situation much and if I did I think I chalked it up there with the other strawman arguments of limb chopping.
And the views blow my mind more on a personal level than wider-political-landscape-level, just so you know.

Like for me, that would probably be a boundary. Maybe I feel stronger or more defined about not putting my kink on the public and the implications. Why a boundary and not a limit? How does that read "boundary?" to me..hmmm searching for words here...Because boundaries are more defined.

Because that crosses the area of where my kink/M/s lies. He can tell me what to do and expect me to do it but not when it comes to living life areas.

Our D/s is about I relate to him, our relationship, not about how I relate to the outside world, or even relate to him when it comes to how I live outside of the Hovel.
He doesn't need to tell me how to think or what and my hackles get raised if there is even a hint of that in the words...trauma affect right there: I'm wildly sensitive about being told what to do and if you think that has to throw a wrench in a power exchange dynamic, you would be correct.

Our division of labour is inherently unequal these days, but there is a division.
He pitches in a lot and patches me up when I need patching sometimes I feel as if that's nightly.

Its like, I'm more than happy to do all the things for you, I'll glaze into the crystal ball but dude, give me a coffee first.
 Didn't matter if I had the coffee.
Then again...
He knows I work better with coffee now and doesn't push me as much.

Tuesday, 16 January 2018

Another place...

So I am contemplating another blog.
Where I can scrawl more about life (coz my life is oh so fascinating) and attempts at writing and all that. So kinda vanillia? Maybe?

Anyways, ***if*** I do this and you would like the link, email me and let me know.

Just feeling limits here. But I want to keep it that way, here.

Monday, 15 January 2018

Moth like #1

One of the first things I did when I had a moment, was make him lunch.
He was miffed this morning that there was nothing ready.

Fair enough. '
But you know what was surprising?
I actually wanted to be helpful and fix it and make it better.
Explaining the early-morning-making-lunch-for-the-next-day-bit.

Totally slaving it.

Friday, 12 January 2018

In the action

He has taken the moments when I tell him I won't do something as a signal of me being stressed out of my sleep-deprived mind.
Because apparently, it is, like in actuality. 

He knows I'll do it, no matter what I claim in the stressed out moment and of course he's right because there is no way I can *not* do it, how we roll. 

But me telling him I can't/won't is like.....letting off steam? I don't know, I've only just realized that this happens. Its a way for him to come in, to ease the stress? 

I do now this is part of learning how to manage all the stuffs. 
And that last year, he would have taken offence to it/been hurt by me telling him I wasn't going to do something.

Its helpful, to realize this and its helpful in action but it bothers me at the same time.

(and yes I edited for title)

Thursday, 11 January 2018


This morning over coffee, we were talking and I got to give a viewpoint on the political impact on a current social-economical issue.
He stopped and said, "You are so right, I never thought of it that way."
That made me happy.
He's the one who is good at everything and all smart.
But on occasion, its nice to be smarter.

This brought to mind, the whole, "If your Dom told you to vote a certain way, would you?" from forums past.
Its actually been on my mind because I found out that an acquaintance did vote a certain way because their Dom told them to and their political views kind of blow my mind and shake up the picture I had of them and I still don't know how think about that one---what would you think?

In our dynamic, its just not something he would exert control over.
He's all about control but the sphere he is concerned with is the things that affect us or him.
There was one time, where I couldn't vote in a minor municipal thing because I was all pregnant and in another city and couldn't make it back on time, he wasn't pleased with because he feels I should have voted on the issue.
Who I vote for, or how I vote, not so much.

I'm tired and the days are so long.

But I'm madly in love with my little pack right now and I was all kinds of happy with that little reminder this morning--I have a partnership that allows for disagreement and different viewpoints and allows me to have a voice....all with a dose of M/s and kinkery fuckery when time permits.