Monday, 16 April 2018

Seriously. April.

I don't consider myself a jealous person.
Jealousy is a learned behaviour, most of the time.
And can also be a reflection of feeling insecure.

But if there is sunshine where you are and buds on trees and growing things, I will cede to a mild envious bent.
An official snow day has been declared, over here.

So...if you have those buds and that sun that I vaguely remember? Enjoy it a little more for me, today. would you?

Friday, 13 April 2018

And still

Blank pages.
Nothing is happening.
But I'm still making an attempt.

Trying all the things.

Mildly annoyed that I can't find the time/space..mildly annoyed that support in that vein is often lip service...reminding myself its just the by product of the season.

*weary sigh*

And while I'm asking for impossible things?
Winter, over, would be nice.

Sunday, 1 April 2018

In which Bleue makes an attempt...

I was cleaning up my desk, when I picked up the candle, to dust it off and under it.
It was an intention candle that I made two years ago (think "vision board" but on a candle, if you want the lowdown on this, email me and I'll send you the link--) and its sat on my desk, unlit all the time.
If you are thinking, "Bleue, you don't seem like the vision-board making type", that's a fair and accurate statement.
But it was when I was just getting my head back and I was grasping for anything that would generate creativity and this intention candle making was a useful tool for that end.
On one side of the candle, there were things that related to writing, "you were born to write" and "write the next great chapter" and on the other side, there were things related to health and wellness.
Because my focus was that split.
I noticed how split that focus was, when I was cleaning and as I turned the candle over, I laughed out loud, literally.

If you can't see the image, its font that reads, "the best time of day is sunset, when friends drop by for cock."
Yeah, not the intention I was going for there.
And it took me two years to notice--not the first time its been dusted, I assure you.

All of this to say, I want to write.
My space and time commodities are rare and the self-doubt high but I'm going to give it a try, eking out any space I can.

So many thoughts on why I can't do this, or why it isn't right or why putting out, say an erotic short isn't going to accomplish mind fills in with the things I know...once I used to know formatters and copy editors and was up to date on the Algorithms of Amazon and was well soaked in the erotica and romance genres to know what was selling and how and what to even put out there....

I can use all the cheering on.  And if anyone wants to beta read? Please? Let me know.

In an effort to eek out more space, I'm taking the month of April off of blogging. I have a post scheduled to finish of March questions and a meme might crop up here or a rant but I'm going to be scarce around these parts.

Friday, 30 March 2018

And about that democracy?

This week has sucked.
I've been sickly.
The barnacles have been sickly.
He's been working late.
Really late.
He gets to go do his thing and I get to not do my thing.
As usual.
And I didn't get a say in staying home so he could go do his thing.
Leaving me to curse fate, chafe at my bonds, dream of being on a plane to Cuba.

Does this sound familiar?
Can we recongize this?

Difference, here?
Its like learning to surrender all over again.
But I don't want to.
And it doesn't matter.

(Laundry, Bleue. He does the laundry and yeah, you want him to be happy, lets remember that)

March Questions: Love on how you love

 Questions from the inbox

"Do you think you could ever be in a poly relationship?"


There is a lot I get about poly. The part about if my well is filled than my people's wells are filled too, the part about finding joy when everyone is loving and doing their love thing, I'm there.
As far as relating goes, I'm kind of a one person at a time person. Its a struggle daily for me to emote with all the peoples in my life currently, I can't imagine trying to do that in a more than one kind of sexual relating context.
There's a lot I seek to understand and learn about poly, too.

"Think you will go back to M/s again in the future..? How do you view your M/s?"

Our M/s was how we expressed our love and relationship at that particular time in our history.
There has always been an element of a power exchange in our relationship, even from the earliest days together. We tend to do things in the extreme, so its really no wonder that our M/s was how it was and evolved to where it did.
I don't think we can ever get back to that, its just not where we are. But every once in awhile, I catch a glimpse of how we might roll into the future.
We function as a democracy now, not a dictatorship.
Well....kind of.
He still gets to do whatever he wants.
He tells me what he's doing and I'm expected to roll with it...but more of a democracy than we ever have been.

And I call bullshit on all those who told me not a thing changed when their offspring arrived. Or they had a Mary Poppins in their back pocket or they were the type to leave their small barnacles in trees.

Going back to that whole point of me being a one-person-at-at-a-time-kind-of-person? Yeah, that tenfold. There's no way I can do it with small barnacles. Not at that all consuming intense way.

"What brought you from wanting to walk away from your marriage to staying?
 What's the dynamic status now?"

Walking away from my marriage, was a feeling how I was feeling at the time.
I was really unhappy. Soul-sick.
Trauma fucked with my head, lets not forget that.
So I had to get better and that happened slowly.
Very, very slowly.
He has faith.
Then I had to reclaim all of myself, which meant taking back the autonomy I had given to him.
He had to distinguish that meant I needed to be the agent of all of me and I wasn't rejecting him.
There is no one else, ever, that I want to do this rearing of small barnacles with. Being on the same parenting page helped, a ton.
Started having fun again, because I slowly got my brain back.
I started to communicate differently.
He stated to open up emotionally, in  a different way.
Isn't that why we do all the kinky things? Its supposed to be fun.
Dynamic status? He owns me, that hasn't changed.

Wednesday, 28 March 2018

March Questions: Movies and Memories

Roz asks: "What is your favourite movie? Do you have a favourite childhood memory?"


Favourite movie is Under the Tuscan Sun.

Oh, my childhood was pleasant but the memories that really stand out are the ones that come from road trips. My parental unit really liked driving and it was nothing to pick up and drive 5, 6 hours. 
Alongside that, any time there was a reason or a chance to stop and we could,we did. Which is why I make us stop at all the interesting signs and places,to this day.
 How else do you know the giant apple actually has fantastic pie, if you just roll on by?

We were crossing the boarder and I had bubble gum, it was a pink and purple package and the centre of this bubble gum was soft and glittery--pink on the outside, purple on the inside. American bubble gum.
Boarder dude asked, "Do you have anything to declare?" 
I remember being scared they would take away my bubble gum but more scared if I didn't speak up and it was found out later.
So from the back seat I yelled out, "I have bubble gum!"
And was promptly shushed by all the adults in the car.

Ahhh, see truth is a fickle thing.

Tuesday, 27 March 2018

March Questions: Living the Fictional Life

Jz asks: You have won a special magical vacation: For one year, you will live the life of any character in fiction that you choose.
Who do you pick?

Now my friend, I know you can read us all under the table.
I also know, that you would never, ever, ever book shame.

With all my spare time this year, I fell into a new to me series and I have enjoyed it immensely.
I pick this character because:

Who doesn't want a twin?
Jumping out of planes always sounds cool.
Going to all the locations in the entire world.
Running an organization is so appealing.
Not to mention, that bank account that makes it all possible...

So I would love to live the life of Jack Morgan.