Wednesday, 5 February 2014

Independence of Dependence

Snow.
Lots of snow.
But I'm making the best of it, today.
I have pasta sauce simmering on the stove and loaves of bread rising, the Hovel smells so amazing. 

The feelings of loneliness have eased, barely lingering. 
For about three weeks, I felt that loneliness acutely.
With it, it brought fear and pain and grief and regret. 

That was a whole lot of emotion to process, even for me. 

But...one way or another, I seem to have a knack for transmuting out of the rubble. 
It's why chaos and change and I are such good friends. 
While I was chin-high in those lonely feelings, it hit home: 
What would I do without Him? 

It's a scary concept to ponder. 

Life is good. 
I have never been so content, as I am now. 
Even while I had those moments of suffocating loneliness, the contentment was under riding it all. 

Who wants to think about their loved one not being with them?
Who wants to ponder what life would be like if anything happened? 

Things are good, but my crystal ball is very rusty. 
It's never really worked all that well in the first place.

So out of that rubble, I contemplated those thoughts. 
Independence, something I held so highly and dearly and closely, doesn't matter in the same way it once did for me. 
I can barely make decisions on my own. 
Lots of decisions to be made with the book thing. 
And I have His support. 
But he is smart.
Smart enough to realize when something is outside of his expertise. 

And as I contemplated those thoughts, the refrain kept going through my head: 
What would I do without Him?
In the whole time that we have been together, I haven't been in the workforce. 

My references are so old they are invalid, if I had to go out and get a job tomorrow...it's an overwhelming prospect.
And while it's true that I help with His business and we can even measure the affects of my help, as it were, it's still not comforting when placed next to that scary refrain. 
So I've decided to pour more energy into my little, tiny business and see if I can once more, reinvent myself. 

Seriously: that old Phoenix has nothing on me.

M/s can be liberating. 
The dependency can actually be kind of freeing. 
But it is still, dependency. 

And way back...the lost of my independence was the clincher that made me hesitate into giving this submission thing the 24/7 go. 
But I think, with any relationship, where it is give and take...there is a certain loss of independence on both sides. 
Somehow, with M/s, it seems more intense.

But, I don't have to go it alone. 
I can turn these worries and fears over to Him, lay them at His feet, with perfect trust and perfect love and know, that His strength will support me. 
He will lend his intelligence and his insights to my quest of reinvention. 
He always has. 

And I count my stars. 


Book Update: In editing hell. I had forgotten what that was like.





7 comments:

  1. I'm with you on the dependence/independence thing. I like to think I'm all independent, certainly emotionally, then we'll have a falling out (they still happen occasionally) and the whole bottom of my world falls out all over again and it just terrifies me that I'm still so emotionally dependent, however hard I try!

    Still, I take comfort in Angela Thirkel's character Lydia, who said about her husband - that loving him kept her sane and if he was dead or alive, she'd go on loving him just the same.

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    Replies
    1. Mc kitten,

      Are we supposed to reach a point were we are emotionally numb? If so, I haven't reached it either.
      I think the emotional part of it is what really makes my head spin :)

      Delete
    2. i think sex is supposed to get boring too after you've been together a few years, married and had children... We're doing it all wrong then! :D

      Delete
  2. Being dependent on my Master was something i really had a difficult time getting my head around, when i met him i was a single mother of 2 young children, i worked full time, own home and i was well totally independent.

    But i think what i realised, and it took a while, its not about taking my independence from me, but rather having someone i can be dependent on, to have someone there to support me, to guide me, its not that im not capable of making decisions (ok that might not be true lol) or having choices etc but im much more content and happier when i dont have to.

    x

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    Replies
    1. Tori,

      I love that you can say all that I meant to say in one comment and say it so much better, to.

      I'm with you. I have found that I am much more content and happier too, when I can kind of let go of that need to be independent.
      It's not so much "taking" but the offer or strength of dependence.

      Delete
  3. Note on book editing - agree, tis hell. About to find something else to distract me.....

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  4. I'm so glad the feelings of loneliness have eased. I totally get this and you said it very well. I like what you said too about there being a certain loss of independence in any relationship. I struggle with feeling so dependent on him at times.

    Hugs,
    Roz

    ReplyDelete

Thank-you for reading.