Monday, 10 February 2014

Grudgingly

I can hold grudges. 
I can feed the fester of an emotional wound, to where the original pain is small by comparison of how big my feeding of it has turned it into. 
 And I'm always trying to work on letting go of the hurt and pain. 

For a few months, I have been trying to navigate a situation, I've been trying to lend support and trying to be available to be as helpful as I can possibly be. 
But, I kind of hit a wall. 
Where, suddenly, the whole situation made me angry. 
And I really didn't the fact that I was angry about it. 
So all of that, kind of turned into a surly, sulky mood. 

Totally unfair to Horace. He has been nothing but supportive and kind and gentle and loving and caring throughout this entire situation. He has been my absolute protection and safety, my strength. 

I was sulky. He was trying to deal with me. He said something. 
And because I was in the state I was in, his words hurt me. 
He apologised. 
I just added it to the grudge pile and didn't relent. 

I hate to admit it, but I think because so much of this submission thing, is about giving over power and control, that when moments occur where the balance shifts, I may take advantage..kind of in...a..."I have power for this", way. Does that make sense at all? 

"You've been sulking and snarky and I'm not going to take any more of it", He marched into the bedroom last night. 
I was reading. 
"You hurt me", I retorted. 
"Yes and I apologised for the fact that my words hurt you. It doesn't give you the right to act this way."
Before I knew it, he had a knee against my back, had me lying face down on the bed and had the cane striking my ass.

Strike, after strike. 
I didn't take it well. 
I thrashed about and yelled and hollered. 
"You aren't in control, here Bleue", he said. 
It went on for a very long time. He didn't let up. 
My skin felt like it was going to split. 
My bottom smarted something fiercely. 
And Horace didn't stop.

Until he did. 
He pulled me closed and stroked my hair. 
"I'm sorry", words I should have said long before that point, but words I  meant. 

On occasion, causing each other hurt is just what happens. It's the affect of living and loving and creating a life together. Horace has always been the quicker of the two of us to utter an apology. 
But it is something I am working on. 
Just another piece of being able to surrender. 

As Horace so often does, he made my world right again. 
I felt better, so much better after his harsh attentions and the slate was cleared again. 





4 comments:

  1. 'I think because so much of this submission thing, is about giving over power and control, that when moments occur where the balance shifts, I may take advantage..kind of in...a..."I have power for this", way. Does that make sense at all? '

    yes, that makes total sense I'm afraid *ashamed face*

    I'm glad the caning helped turn it around for you xx

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  2. Hi Bleuame, yep, this makes sense to me also and I can hold a grudge as well! I'm so sorry you were feeling this way and am glad Horace was able to make your world right again.

    Hugs,
    Roz

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    Replies
    1. Thank-you Roz.
      Hard business, this holding grudges thing ;p

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Thank-you for reading.