Monday, 13 January 2014

Bleu Solitaire

"Language... has created the word "loneliness" to express the pain of being alone. And it has created the word "solitude" to express the glory of being alone."
~Paul Tillich

A relationship, belongs to the people who are in it. There is an inherit alone in that. All the day to day living, the experiences, the precious moments shared, only belong to the people who were there, having those same experiences. Relationships can be very exclusive. 
In the past couple of months, Sir and I have guarded our time together. We've declined invitations of socialising; the chaotic pace of life has demanded that and I always feel a strong urge to hibernate in the cold months. 
But within M/s...I've been feeling a peculiar brand of loneliness, I can't really define. 
I think, in this ttwd realm, there is importance of normalizing kinky experiences. 
And this blog is great for that and by extension Blogland. 
But sometimes, an understanding or empathetic ear would be nice to have before I get the words out on the screen. 
And while we certainly engage with a kink community..its hard to fine a pair who has a similar dynamic as ours. I know, comparisons can be useful, they have a place, serving as learning and teaching from what other people do or how they navigate all of this but they can also be downfalls.
I'm often met with visceral reactions, when it comes to the control Sir has over me and the degree of submission I lay at his feet. 
Its one thing to say, "Your kink is not my kink..." and those words and the sentiment night be heartfelt, but its another thing to relay an incidence to a kinky-minded friend and receive a negative reaction to the tale. 

I'm a solitary by nature. 
I truly don't need many people. 
I like being alone. 
There is a difference between basking in solitude and feeling loneliness, I know this well. 

But this sense of loneliness in M/s that I'm experiencing, is hard to describe, hard to relate.
All I can say about is, right now, I feel loneliness in....

Being His. 
Being a submissive. 
Being Owned. 
Being a slave. 

I'm sure it will ease, eventually. 


  1. I think Blogger ate my original comment so I'm going to try again...

    Oh Bleuame! I don't know exactly how you are feeling but I might have a tiny understanding. I don't have anyone to hear my words, nor no one to hear, it is all done here, and we all know that reading words is different from hearing them. It kills me that I can't talk to my best friend, and that makes me feel alone. Receiving a negative reaction from a friend... I can see how that would make you feel alone.

    Sometimes it is hard for people to see the meaning behind the action...

  2. (((hugs)))

    the only conversation of any kind I get about kink is online, I guess I'm grateful for any!

    And then of course the blogging community is vastly diverse, which is AWESOME but then you can't (obviously) find anyone really quite the same as you so it can feel lonely...

  3. I do think M/s or ttwd can be quite lonely, M/s perhaps that bit more so, truthfully sometimes i feel so very alone, its not like one can talk to friends about 'things'.....we dont have a local community, so blogger provides me with a certain amount of interaction with likeminded people....but even here has its limitations.

    Anyways im only ever an email away, if you just want a 'shoulder' anytime.

    Im sorry about what happened between you and your friend, i wander sometimes if we expect those that are kinky to be more understanding but im beginning to think this is not always the case...there can be sometimes that mentality of "if your not doing it *this* way, your not doing it right".



  4. I've been kinda thinking about this lately. I know there is a community locally - small, but there is one. I doubt we will ever approach anyone in it, or the community as a whole - tho i've been wrong about 'never' before. But - for now - online is it for me. I was thinking how disjointed it all is though. Other activities for which people seek communities (hobbies, sports, book clubs, whatever) are just one aspect of peoples' lives. This is really the whole thing. So the fact that i can't be open about this with the people close to me in my life colors my perceptions of it - i know it's good for us - but i have to actively remind myself of that at times because it also has to be secret. I can only imagine how it would feel to have someone who you ought to be able to be open with be judgmental. Like tori said - i know it's not the same - but i'm real a the other end of my email.

  5. "But this sense of loneliness in M/s that I'm experiencing, is hard to describe, hard to relate." It is hard to put into words, but I think that when one is familiar with the feeling, those words are not so necessary. *Raises hand*

    It's an odd kind of lonely. I hope it passes soon.

  6. This is such a heartfelt and poignant post. I do think ttwd can be lonely at times. It isn't something we can readily share. To receive negative feedback would certainly add to that feeling of loneliness.



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