As most of you know, a couple months ago, I decided to get a little more serious about the writing thing and self-publish.
The out pouring of support from this community-fellow bloggers and readers has been amazing! I couldn't have imagine such positive and encouraging feedback and I am grateful from the bottom of my blue heart.
Horace has been unflinching in his support.
He always has been supportive of my goals, dreams and ambitions and when I told him, "I think maybe self-publishing is something I need to look at seriously", he gave his nod of approval and his strong shoulders to lean on.
He is an incredibly fair minded person.
And I'm not sure how--because I really don't need to get that far into his head or thinking processes-but the double standards that are rampant with D/s all balance out for him in a fair way.
Weird, I know.
But somehow logical.
So because he is fair-minded and cares about what I want, in terms of big-picture, he wants me to go after the writing thing. Wants me to have something for myself.
But the thing is, I'm totally stalled with the writing and I don't know why.
Its not lack of desire--I want to complete the first book. I want to go on to the second, third and fourth book. I want to make ago at this.
It really is not in my nature to procrastinate either, but I have been.
It isn't Horace's style to micro-manage and I do best when I am given a task and left to do it on my own, without a time-line or a thousand detailed instructions--if I had that, I would shrink.
He's given me a hoof or two on the writing thing but it hasn't been enough to get me charging out of the gates.
I've mentioned before how I pinpoint the moment of surrendering to the D/s dynamic, when I had that moment or realization and came to the conclusion, "I don't want to fight anymore."
And for me, someone who has fought for everything and against a great deal throughout my entire existence, it was a big statement to make.
The writing, has always been apart of my life and apart of those fights.
A month back, Horace put, "finish the next chapter" on the task list for that day--trying to put a little authority on the writing--and I did. Because if its on that list, then I have to do it (that of course, comes from training). I can't not do it. He's asked me to do x & y, therefore I will do it.
So that chapter got finished.
But I also had a clear day, which made the writing easier. I'm not sure what would have happened if I had a full work day and full list to do for the business.
Now, it did help when I took a couple of breaks through writing that chapter during that day, to message back and forth with a couple of friends, where I said, "I have to finish the chapter."
So I'm not sure if a bit of interaction while I'm writing helps, or acknowledgement that its a task I have to complete, helped.
I'm not sure if there is a little tiny part of me who is looking to be forced into doing this (because I don't usually need to be 'forced') or if I am somehow looking for him to exert our norm on this--he doesn't exert the D/s protocols on say, work and I get my work done, always.
I'm missing some kind of support that I'm looking for and can't identify.
And I feel like a whiny, selfish twat for writing this, but here here it is, I just need to get off of being stalled.