"I want to feel that I can't stop it. I want to be really mastered, taken over by someone who isn't going to stop doing things because I'm not getting off on it. Someone who knows enough not to endanger me, unless that was what was intended.........”
― Laura Antoniou, The Slave
It is always a battle of the intellect, when it comes to this being owned thing.
My mind accepts the fact that I am his. That through my submission, I have given up control and given over authority. In my own head, I know I don't do anything unless I'm told. I know that I always have constantly feed the transparency and work on the vulnerability. And I'm beginning to understand how deeply and intimately and powerfully this knowledge penetrates day to day living.
He took me.
I was grouchy.
I get grouchy when I feel behind.
And I was feeling behind, trying to figure out how I was going to fit 2o hours of coursework in three days...
So not in the headspace. He knew damn well what my mood was. In this instance, he didn't care.
Without barely a word, he picked up the cherry cane and struck the soles of my feet. Bastinado is not something I'm overly fond of.
His hands and fingers, pinched and squeezed and clawed into my sensitive, intimate parts. Yanking, scraping, pulling.
Pain rippled through me but the pain wasn't cushioned by the headpsace. So the pain, was pain. It hurt. There were no chemical inducing endorphins going on, here.
He flipped me over and seared into me.
Hard and fast.
I took it.
Somehow, drudging up compliance. Somehow, not protesting. Somehow, not complaining.
And because he wasn't quite done, my legs were over his strong shoulders and I felt his whole weight slam into me.
And I tried to mentally think of this as service. He clearly was getting pleasure out of this, so I tried to convince myself I was happy because, in this instant, I was providing service.
Only when he was done, it was over, did I smile.
Then he told me to clean him up.
And I so didn't want to tend to that... while in other circumstances, I'm only to eager to put my tongue to good use.
But I did.
And I saw how happy and relaxed he was, while the tension was still coiled tightly in me.
He murmured some words, even a bit of praise.
But it didn't change how I felt.
But after...I realized...this was so very good.
He will use me how he wants, when he wants and that was just demonstrated. Anything that reinforces the ideals of the M/s dynamic are good.
And even though I felt a little hallow, definitely used and emotionally tense, I didn't act out (whereas last year...even...maybe two years ago) I would have fought back.
I wouldn't have been below yellowing and screaming and demanding.
But this time...I took it.
With a calm acceptance and knowledge driven understanding.
And I felt claimed.