It has been quite a week.
My world was shattered, reformed, shocked again and transformed. Transformation is growth.
And just as that happens in life, it happens in D/s,
The kinky play: from the rough sex, to eating at his feet, to the clamps and paddles and sexual service; all of that is easy. Oh it didn't start out being easy, de temps en temps it screws with my head.
There is a lot of control being taken and given and power exchanged in those activities. But for us, its the extension of the intimate relationship that forms our kink experience.
What is tough, is the mind stuff.
S&M and D/s and his control and authority over me, has had a profound impact.
Through all of that, I have grown and transformed, and it alerted the person I was...or I have expanded...sometimes I like to think of it as being the best parts of me, transformed.
I may be as emotional as I ever was (I cannot be anything else), but I am no longer reactionary to those emotions. The emotions come, then I make a decision based on how I feel, not the other way around. That shift has to do with his expectations, what he wanted and how he thought I could grow. There are so many little things that I have changed through conditioning and training, through my desire to please him and my constant commitment for our combined happiness.
But every once in awhile, he'll ask me to do something that pushes my boundaries and makes me examine who I am.
He is much more forgiving that I am. He is willing to give people second chances and isn't quick to hold grudges.
I am much more likely to take a great big bag of salt to the earth.
An action of another person, deeply caused me pain. It hurt him, to see me that hurt.
My natural reaction is to cut all ties.
He wants me to try and understand. He wants me to forgive and get past this.
He values this friendship. I value this friendship but I feel as if the other person had, this wouldn't have happened in the first place. He's pointed out that I have a different set of values being applied to the situation,
He knows exactly what it is doing to me to even contemplate the idea.
But he thinks I'm capable. And he thinks its worth it. And he thinks I will be better for it.
I don't want to do it. Its very far out of my comfort zone. I live by a very weird set of tenets that are based on loyalty. This action is brushing up against what I hold dear.
He's asked me to mend that fence.
So I will try.