Friday, 18 April 2014

Friday Fragments: A Good Thursday

Last night, we had the most amazing time out in the village. 
Master took me out to dinner. 
We were going with the intention of pub fare, something familiar and quick, this is going to be one hectic week and there was a lot of planning and organizing to do. 
After walking into one of our standby places, we were seated in such an odd spot, that Master decided this just wasn't going to work. It was also overcrowded and noisy (of course, hockey playoffs). 
We left there, walked around for a little bit and Master decided he wanted to try the new restaurant that had just opened up. 

In we went. 
We were so not dressed for this higher-end place.
I was in yoga pants and a sweater and bundled up because Springter hasn't left, Master was dressed along the same lines. 
In this restaurant, there were women in heels and cocktail dresses, men in suits, you get the idea. 
But we were welcomed and treated very nicely. 
And we were comfortable. 
I know my last post, made Master out to be a control-freak, but in so many, many ways, he is laid back and he is comfortable in his own skin, no matter the situation. I like to think that some of that philosophy has rubbed off on me over the years.
As much as I pride myself on being an Individual, I haven't always been comfortable with it. 
 We've commented often, how much living here suits us, it is a town filled with all kinds of dichotomy. 

Master ordered and over the next two hours, we laughed and talked and had the most gorgeous food. 
I delighted in the unexpectedness of all of it: how it was just supposed to be a quick bite to eat, how work wasn't mentioned once, how it surprisingly turned out to be a long date, how we just stumbled in and the beautiful setting we found ourselves being a part of, I love surprises like these, the spontaneity. 

When we got home, in short order, I was plunked over a stack of pillows and Master had his way with me. A little of this, a little of that.,
He finished that part off with sex, then flipped me over rather unceremoniously. 

"Finger Bleue". 
This might be an ick factor, fair warning. 

But occasionally, he will order me to put my panties back on right after sex. 
And to finger through them. 
Such was the case here. 
So I followed orders. 
As he held me in place and pulled my hair, which doesn't sound like much, but it was repetitive and kind of driving me crazy in a -this-is-very-annoying-kind-of-way. 
He tortured my breasts and then says, "You're a filthy dirty mess." 
I made some kind of noise, which I guess Master took as protest (it wasn't but it wasn't agreement, either) because he ordered me to repeat it. 
"Say it, Bleue. I am a fifthly dirty mess."
A moment of hesitation from me, a firmer grip on my hair by him. 

"Now Bleue", he leaned in and whispered in my ear. "Or you can stand in the corner, repeating those words out loud for the next five minutes." 
Laying in the bed, close to him, half-way to orgasm, was a much better option. 
So I obeyed and said it. 
Then I was lead on, made to edge and edge, until he made me repeat the line yet again, and as soon as the words were out of my mouth, I was told, "come". 
I did and kind of fell on him in a heap. 

Thank-you, Master for such an exquisite evening. 

Have a good weekend, my friends!

Thursday, 17 April 2014

A Look Into Master

(I have a brand, sparkly new profile on FetLife. If any of my blogger friends would like to connect with me there, email me and I'll give you my addy. I just don't want to put it up for public consumption or if I don't know you)

Sometimes, Master can be an ass.
Oh? that might have been very un slave like of me, other than the fact, that I have no qualms admitting my D type is human. 
Fortunately for me, neither does he. 
I tend to think that any relationship gets to be deeper and more intimate with all the cards on the table.

And I don't mean when he's being an ass during playtime or when we're just joking around-there is a fair bit of that happening, I mean he can be a rightful bastard of an ass.

 He'll say something cruel, something that will sting me deeply-the man is all about logic and control and sometimes he completely ignores the empathy button. 

He'll order me to do something, just to make me do it that will make me uncomfortable and make me want to growl and sneer at him and curse, and sometimes I will and pay the consequences later. 

He may hold me very highly as his adviser, but he will do what he wants, when he wants to and there is no telling him otherwise. He hardly takes kindly to the suggestion. 

His calculating logic, against my swirl of emotions does make communication and life, interesting. 

But when he lets go, in s&m, it's different. 
Oh, he can be an ass, and he can be cruel here but at least there is kind of a definable reason..or it just makes sense. He is a sadist, his quest to cause pain does need to be satisfied. 
He can be violent-but without harm-precise and cold, and right on the mark. 

In degradation/humiliation play, he has a way of putting it all together, the release that play causes, alongside with his logical mind, and he can make me a puddle of goo. 
He knows what buttons of mind to hit and does so expertly well. 

And I know it's hard to explain, but he can be so very playful with it all. I mean, one of the reasons why I married the man is because he makes me have fun. 

So to answer GreenGirl's question that came up in the comments: 

"I wonder-do you think he could give up the S&M? What is his need vs. his want?" 

I don't think he could give it up. 
There was always an element of D/s before we even it labelled it and there was always rough play in the bedroom before we bought all the proper toys. 
He likes how s&m makes us connect, he likes the intimacy it brings, just like I do, beyond the sexual fulfillment. 

But his need is control...and that's control of everything over me, in a million different ways, from how I react to ahhh how I feel. 

Even though, I tell him often, that he actually can't control how I feel. 
He answer?

I'm working on it. 

Monday, 14 April 2014

M/s without S&M?

Sometime during question month, I hit on a train of thought, that had me somewhat convinced that if we had to, we could take out the physical interactions of M/s out of play and our power dynamic would still remain. 
In theory, of course. 
But when it comes to the reality, I wonder if a M/s dynamic could remain on merely the giving and taking of power, submitting to authority in thought and word only. 
To be fair, I know this can be done and done well. 
I just don't know if I could do it.

I'm not sure if I am service-oriented enough to find pleasure and fulfillment in service alone. 
And I don't particularly like being told what to do--but that doesn't mean Master needs to beat me into submission or physically nudge me in the direction he wants-but I am not sure if I be as quick to yes-to if there was no threat of a physical implement hitting my arse. 

But then again, there is a peace in acquiescing my will to his. 
And I do what he says, because I strive to obey. I do my best to put submission into action, not because of the consequences awaiting if I don't but because showing him respect is important to me, honouring his word is second nature. 

Then of course, there is the whole question of wants vs. needs. 
Do I need to feel the strikes against my skin? Do I just want to be roughly played with? 
How much driving force is there in the need for a beating and the wanting of the release that comes with it?
And if you can't have it, but you need it, how do you put it aside? 

Do you think S&M can be taken out of a M/s dynamic? 

I would have said, "yes of course" and gone into the strengths of the relationship itself and expanded on the points here, when the reality might have been a little further from me than it is now. 

In other news...
Master has given me permission to get my hair cut! =  One happy Bleuame. 

Monday, 31 March 2014

A Question of Poly?

"Hi Bleuame. I was wondering have you and Horace ever considered an open poly relationship?  Do you think poly could work for you?" -Anon. 

I think, when you start to realize there is more to kink than the scenes you've played out in your bedroom, that this BDSM stuff extends further than chains and ropes, when you have discovered people actually live life this way--like that book you may read--and you stumble into blogs or sites, FL, or maybe a good Tumblr, you become exposed to sexuality on a whole different scale than you ever thought existed and it becomes impossible not to wonder, be curious or at the very least talk about it all (or write about it all). 

So yes, Horace and I have had many, many conversations about poly and if an open-marriage is something we could see ourselves having. I think "considered" might be too strong to describe how far we have taken it, but we have talked at great length about it. 

Poly appeals to me. 

I get it. 
I really, really get it
It makes a great deal of sense to me. 

I think often, we are so very limited in how we love and I like that poly pushes the confines of that expectation. I think it is possible to love more than one, two or three people at the same time.
 I especially love seeing when a polygamous relationship works well--that all people are fulfilled and to take it to the furthest boarder the offspring are growing up in a village. It's kind of a nice image. 
It tugs at my heart strings and soothes a longing in my being to contemplate. 

I don't think either monogamy or poly is "natural", I think both are choices. 
One is obviously the more expected and accepted model. 

But poly, it's not for me. 

To know that for sure that it isn't for me, we would have to try it out.
 But Horace is right, when he said, that's taking one heck of a leap, if both of us aren't sure this is right for both of us. 
 (Someone of you might be thinking, "But you're his slave...if he wanted an open relationship, wouldn't you have to go along with it?" Sort of.  I'll explain the "sort of" part in a minute. This is one clear incidence where our marriage came before M/s, considering it had to do with possibly changing our structure of marriage). 

I'm a solitaire. 

I let so very few people into my world. 
I like being the witch in the cave.

But, when someone does enter my cave, it's like an affair. 
It's an attraction that I've never really been able to explain. 
I fling my whole self into the relationship (and it's platonic, non-sexual).
Emotionally, I'm there with my whole heart and soul.
Intellectually, they are the centre of my focus. 
Downside is, I'm just intense. I ride emotions with that whole self and then reflect that back at the person. So these cave-enters are never long relationships but they are all kinds of depth.
Until in blows up. 
Then I'm hurting. 
And Horace is left dealing with an emotional soup Bleuame and has to reach into bag of tricks and make a call. 

With one exception, this has been the pattern my entire life when it comes to friendships.
There is a very good reason why most of the time, I only have casual acquaintances.
So given all that, I can't possibly see how I could deal well with a poly situation.
There is no way for me not to feel with that much abandon and humans are very messy. 

I don't think I could emotionally detach enough to benefit anyone, I got very lucky that Horace can deal with me.
And I don't know how I can separate sex and the emotional ramifications-I'm not sure that is a possible thing for me to do. 

However, (this would be the "sort of") if Horace came to me and said that he didn't feel his needs were being met, that he truly desired something more, and he thought an open-marriage was it, I would be willing to try and get my head around it enough to be okay with him having sex with others.
How could you deny your partner something they feel they need to do? 

I'm happy when he's happy. I'm happy when the people in my life are happy. 
And I don't think jealously would be my issue--I don't find myself to be a jealous person and I do think jealously is a learned behaviour, I like what this article says about jealousy and being poly-but being left out, that might be a problem. 

I hate being left out. 
Of anything. 
And I do wonder how I would deal with it, if...poly became more than a conversation. 
To be truthful, I'm not sure. 

Right now, at this very moment, life is good. We are content and happy. 

No need to shake it least not by adding poly to our life. 

This video clip is long, but completely fascinating and worth the watch if you have the time and are interested in poly.

It certainly has been a great question month! Thank-you to everyone who sent in questions and I hope the answers I have given are satisfying. 

Friday, 28 March 2014

Friday Fragments: Light Questions

Ahhh....Question Month is nearly at an end!
Trying to remember what Blogging was like before the questions. 
I have one last question on poly waiting in my inbox and this, light batch here and we're done!

Tori did pose a question on if I think submission is nature vs. nurture but to that I will say...a little bit of both. Perhaps. Under the right circumstances. And it depends on what kind of nurture...oh but really, you should all just go read what Lil has to say on that subject.

Today's questions brought to you by Heather:

1. What do you hate the most about Blogging? 

Comments. Don't get me wrong, dear friends, I love hearing your feedback and opinions and thoughts and that is such a huge part of this corner of Blogland. But...I have a love/hate relationship with comments. And sometimes, I feel like I should just close the blog to comments and at one point in this blog's history, I did. But you know what happened?
You all just emailed me instead. 

Sometimes, what I write I feel it's just for me. It's just my attempt at working something out that is only half-formed in my head and I don't want an opinion or commentary on it--but when it comes to Blogging, I think it's best to be sincere and sometimes that means being raw. And sometimes, that means reading what other people think of that rawness. There is a price when you choose to put your thoughts in the public form. 
It's a small one, most of the time, a step one when you want silence. 

2. If you could live anywhere, where would it be? 

Somewhere warm, because at this point, I'm in so much pain because of the winter. Seriously. 

3. What is your favourite colour? 

**Blinks***. You're just not paying attention. 

4. What do you love the most about Blogging? 

Reading other people's posts. Knowing I am not alone in this crazy kink M/s thing, meeting interesting and delightful people, communicating my thoughts and ideas and half-formed brainwaves. 

5. What's one thing you really want to do but haven't done yet? 

Yeah. I will write that ebook. And then another, and another one and another one. 
 First book is in edits; but it's going to be kicked back to me with a lot of work to do on it. 
I'll be happy if the book is up and available for sale in August--that will be a year from when I made the decision to self-publish. 

Thank-you for the questions. 


Have a great weekend, my friends!

Monday, 24 March 2014


Mr. Horrid asks, "What do you think would give you cause to take M/s off the table? This barring the typical answer of abuse or infidelity."

That's quite a question.

In our case, the M/s relationship is a commitment. 
Actually, our relationship is a commitment and the M/s is part of that commitment, intertwined. 

And I would think it's a commitment for anyone else who labels their relationships D/s, M/s, etc but I could be wrong because lately, I've seen a lot where M/s or D/s is nothing more than a game to be halted when something outside of the relationship goes wrong.

And more often than not, it's the 's' type that demands the D/s, M/s stops and a lot of what I have observed that serves as the trigger to this is job loss.

Job loss is hard. It can be brutal on a relationship. I speak from experience because our early years together was tough. In the whole time I have been with Horace he has lost two long term jobs and been unemployed three times. It's rough.

Back to my example, the Dominant looses his job and the the 's' type spouts off something like this: “We're taking a break from D/s, I've taken it off the table. How can I possibly respect him when he can't respect himself enough to keep a job (find a job, have a job)?”

What goes through my mind in response to that is this:

Do you have kids or pets? Have you made them aware that your respect for them is based on what they own, on what they can provide you with? You probably should.

Respect, in my opinion, has a lot to do with how someone treats me and how they treat themselves, than what I own or what they can give me.
So instead of supporting your Dominant, you know the man you love, the one you trust, instead of going through this with him, you make demands. You nag and shout and pout.
And on top of all that pressure that he is feeling now-job loss in this example but it could be anything- you cut him off at the knees by calling off some form of stability, in demanding that your relationship be changed. You take away the one thing he has control over and probably the one thing he feels in control of, confidence builder, that.

A lot of this partnering is about sticking together and getting through the tough times and I think people in general are a lot less willing to stay in and work it out.

So job loss didn't shake our M/s or make me want to take it off the table.
Disapproval and acceptance from family didn't make me want to run for the hills.
Family bereavement and loss didn't shake us.
Career changes and working long hours, didn't make me want to call the M/s quits.

So what would make me want to take M/s off the table?

I don't have the right to take it off the table: that's part of this consensual slavery. 

However, If Master came to me, and said that it isn't working. That he isn't being fulfilled. That he doesn't want it anymore. If he he was unhappy living life this way.
 If Master said so, that's what would give me cause to take M/s off the table.

Friday, 21 March 2014

Friday Fragments: Kinky Questions

It's never going to end.
No, not question month-I have a few more to tackle and all these questions have been interesting. 
I was talking about winter...I'm just out of words to describe the pain. 

Today's questions
 from Tori and Joey : 

1) What would be your favourite 3 'kinks'? 

That should be an easy question and the answer is obvious. 
"Humiliation" and I could spot that as ranking in my top 3, it took me awhile to come to terms with that as a kink and my feelings in relation to humiliation/degradation being 'ok',
But my limits are truly Master's and I like the kink that brings out that slow, sly, smile that tells me the sadist is out to play.
He sets the scene, commands the tone and I follow. 

2) Is there anything you would like to try but Horace has no interest in?

I don't know if it's because I'm just happy in slavehood these days, or because we've been doing this long enough that the novelty has worn off, but I don't have a great urge to go out and try new things anymore.
Once upon a time, it was all things rope. Now that we've explored that road thoroughly, I'm satisfied and can take it or leave it.
I see or read about things that make me curious but I have no real desire to try it on for size. 
But needle/play piercings have always fascinated me, I love the kind of artistry and effect but I'm not sure how I would be if it was actually done to me. 
Horace has absolutely no interest in this, so I doubt I'll ever find out. 

3) What two kinky things do you want to try?

Other than needle play, it's amusing to me to entertain thoughts of being co-topped. 
The list of people I trust on this planet, is abysmally small and the list of people that Horace would let touch me, might even be smaller, so this is just a curious-amusing thought train I get on every now again. 
Horace's kink is really control and there is a part of me that is wildly curious in how that would play out in a co-topping scenario.

Thank-you for the questions. 

Have a great weekend, my friends!